Scary Monkey of the Week

The mandrill is neither a man nor a drill. It is not a man with a drill. Nor is it a cyborg future man from fifteen years into our dystopian future where people are equipped with power tool prosthetics. The mandrill is an evil monkey. While I have provided you with a convenient Wikipedia link to get further information about this beast, it does not give the full picture of the vast conspiracy of this evil monkeys presence in our society.

Take the following example:

When you go to the Home Depot and you ask for a "Man Drill" hoping for some turbo-charged, 24-volt, 100k rpm, with replaceable diamond tipped attachments in hopes of boosting a flaccid ego that hangs over an ill-fitting pair of acid-washed Levi jeans, don't expect to have your virility increased. Because let me tell you a secret--the people Home Depot are in a blood-contract with the rulers of the Simian Kabal that will give you an evil monkey instead of the boring device you need to put holes in wood. And this evil monkey will hurt you. Hurt you in ways you can only envision in the night terrors that come along after drinking too much cough syrup and eating week-old sushi bought at a truck stop.

Of course you think you think, "All I wanted was a power tool to over-compensate for my personal lack of various abilities...I was just going to put it in the shed with all of my other useless gadgets that were purchased to make me feel more masculine and virile." But instead you are now cursed.

You didn't know about the Simian Kabal? It all ties back to Free Masonry...and the Fifteen Ancient Tribes of Old World Primates. While many people believe that the government is run by Free Masons, the real might of their power comes from the Fifteen Ancient Tribes of the Old World Primates. These monkeys knew dark arts, designed the American dollar bill, and the traffic circle.

I wish I could tell you more. But these posts about evil monkeys have raised their ire over the past few months. Because not only will evil monkeys throw poo at you, steal your babies (and eat them), they will also steal your girlfriend and or boyfriend.

Just be warned...