Saturday, May 29, 2010

Repeating Images...The Mt. St. Helens Fountain in St. Helens

Have you ever looked at a picture with a picture of itself embedded into it? And inside that embedded picture there is another picture of the same picture...repeating ad infinitum.

Well, if you visit the town of St. Helens, Oregon, you can have your own metaphysical, meta-textual experience as you stand looking at the fountain of St. Helens, in the Town of St. Helens, which is in the shadow of the actual Mt. St. Helens.

I often wonder, how many people have decided to drop a bottle of dish soap into this fountain to recreate their own pyroclastic flow in this public piece of art. Personally, I would love to make the forty minute drive just to do it. But here, the rushing water keeps our local small scale volcano active on a much more peaceful scale. The rushing water often lulling people to sleep at night. 

As for the kids in the final photo, I believe they are stealing money from the fountain. I hung out just long enough to take these pictures. And these boys were quite enamored with Mt. St. Helens Fountain. Probably just as much as I was, but I believe these malcontents had nefarious intentions.

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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

And Now We Present: Why You Can Make Babies...

So Sally and Billy, what have we learned? After a week-and-a-half of learning all about sex and that accidents are the causes of babies, now it is time to learn why you, yes you specifically, can't make babies.  Sure all of the mechanics of making babies is pretty easy, and it can be quite fun, but then problems might happen.

Simply put, when a man and a woman come together to try to make a baby, the accidents that need to happen happen, and then those accidents aren't accidents aren't accidents at all. Confusing? I thought so. It all seems so easy, and at times it can be very easy, easy enough that people in Gresham can do it and do it repeatedly. But sometimes, making babies doesn't work.

Sometimes the reason why a man and a woman can't have a baby and have to hire a woman from Idaho to smuggle them from Haiti is because the woman is sterile. But what does sterile mean? It means a variety of things as graphically illustrated in the pictures above. Do you know if you are sterile, Sally?

Other times, a man is to blame. Often, men are to blame, but this time men are to blame for a variety of reasons. If a man is impotent, it means his stallion has been sent to the pasture or that his horse broke a leg and had to be shot. This is very unfortunate for the man. Sometimes a man turns to unique fetishes to try and revive the spark that magically stimulates the nerves from his spinal cord to his penis to cause and  erection, but often this is gone. And with this gone, no babies will be made. Think about it, Billy. Are you an impotent man?

You see, Sally and Billy, if making babies were easy for intelligent people then GOD would have made babies so they could be assembled with airplane glue, jumper cables, and instructions provided in PDF format. However, GOD only made making babies easy for people who shouldn't create babies. Why, because GOD has a cruel, cruel sense of humor...A sense of humor that your feeble minds will never understand.
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Monday, May 24, 2010

How the Male Brain Works...

While this illustration is supposed to present the mechanics of stimulation versus the mechanics of impotence, I think it pretty much summarizes how the male brain operates. As a male, I can attest to the scientific validity of this schematic; for it is true--the male brain is connected directly to the penis via the spinal cord.

This would explain why men lack many levels of higher cognition and how the nature of "The Beer Goggles" effect.

It is also vital to know that inside the virile male body, there are actual lightening bolts that change the penis to be erect. This is referred to as the "Frankenweiner Stimulation Factor" and it is generated from the base of the spine through the prostate to the male external genitals. So if you ever wondered where the phrase, "Something sparked between us..."came from, look no further.
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Thursday, May 20, 2010

Little Sally, This is What Happens When You're Pregnant

Hi Little Sally. Little Billy just learned all about sex, but what does that mean for you?
Well, let's just say that your body is changing. And with those changes, you will no longer be a little girl any more; you will be a woman. Being a woman means many things. To some it means becoming a doctor or a lawyer, to others it means becoming a cocktail waitress or a secretary. But to boys like Billy who have just learned about sex, being a woman makes you an object. Yes, an object. Sometimes you will be an object of affection, while other times you will be an object of attraction. Sometimes those objects are referred to as Vixens, Babes, Sexy Things, and One Night Stands.

Now Sally, I bet you want to know how you become pregnant. Well that happens by accident. But before the accident can occur. A man needs to have an erection. Erections occur when a man who has learned about sex excited. Scientists like to call this event, "Having a boner." It is kind of like the picture of growth cartilage, but only a little bit different.

Men eventually lose their erection after spending time with a woman for two minutes. The man then falls asleep and then the woman must wonder if an accident has occurred. And why does she need to worry about accidents? Because accidents cause pregnancy.

Once your accident begins, your body gets a little angry at you, and it begins to change. Now Sally, I bet you are scratching your head just like little Billy did, but don't worry it will all make sense. You see, you body is angry because it now has to host a little parasite that will slowly drain away all of your nutrients, your soul, and your finances away. We like to call these babies. But don't be afraid, everyone loves babies.

And when you are pregnant, you turn fat because you have a thing crawling inside you like in those science fiction movies that your mother won't let you watch. And everyone will find you unattractive. But it is all okay. This last for just nine months.

After nine months, you can sell your baby to missionaries from Idaho. They will in turn make your baby work along side other stolen or sold babies in the peat bogs of Canada. And that is how the new economy will work. 

Now do see how accidents can be a good thing?
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Menstruation: A Space Odyssey

What we have here is an image never released to the public from the Hubble Space Telescope. It is a little known fact that in space, actually on the other side of the moon, there is a giant floating uterus with its own orbiting moon to keep it in cycle. Hard to believe, but it's true. If you remember the space fetus from the Arthur C. Clark books and film adaptations, well, somewhere I have to expect a giant obelisk to appear over the great lunar horizon.

Continuing with the science fiction motifs, we have another illustration that seems to mimic the traveling of spacecraft through asteroids, alien colonies, or the psychedelic light shows of traveling at warp speed.

Space and sex...two final frontiers that many men have little knowledge of and have little chance to explore.
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Tuesday, May 18, 2010


The caption of this illustration pretty much states it all: "Why Man Has Nocturnal Losses of Semen."

And as much as I want to make a joke about semen right now, I figure it would leave a bad taste my dear readers' mouths. 

But if that wasn't titillating enough for you, here is a "Picture Story of Various Causes for Sexual Excitation and Erection."

So what have we learned? Well, exciting food and drugs can do marvelous things for you and ruin your bed sheets, for better or worse. And despite convention, a brain is required for a man's sex parts to work. And probably, more importantly, a spine. Gotta have a spine for a number of reasons. 

Other lessons, the late Jazz age, pre-WWII hair styles are pretty attractive. And don't forget that fur collars are parts of exciting and alluring dreams.
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Monday, May 17, 2010

Pyramid Schemas...

Continuing with the recent theme of sexual education posts, I present the following illustration for The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Sex. I believe the original publication of this text book was around the mid-thirties, and the various illustrations are true highlights of medical artwork.

The following is one of the more creative pictures illustrating how both partners should, um...blossom (?) at the same time in during coitus. The sad, wilted flowers are the result of the hasty gentleman.

Try as I might, nothing humorous can really be stated about the illustration. The simplicity of the diagram illustrates the concept pretty clearly and without too much outward awkwardness and overt sexual language. It could be a schema outlining how to be successful as a banker, lawyer, parent, or any feat that requires skill and timing with other parties. Or a person can use the illustration to present the rising and falling action of a narrative. And isn't that what sex really is? A really strange story of making things...come together.

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Sunday, May 16, 2010

Hey Little Billy, Are You Confused?

The best thing about old educational pamphlets are the illustrations. And how, perhaps, the easily lend themselves to creation of a narrative. Take for example Billy.

Billy has just learned about "sex." But what is sex? Well, Billy, that is just a wonderful question for your adolescent mind to ask. But before you ask your friends what sex is, why don't we tell you right now.

Well, for some fetishists, sex involves large feathered animals, as shown in your imaginings. Yes, the stork, is partially responsible for you. That's right Billy. In fact Dad is running home right now. He has some time left over from his three-martini lunch. And while you are at school Mom and Dad and the stork will be having fetish filled copulatory acts and soon you will have a little brother or sister.

You see Billy, this is completely natural. Elephants have sex. That is how we end up getting more ivory for your piano. Birds have sex; that is how you get eggs for your omelets. And I know that you love omelets. Dogs have sex. Remember when Rex was trying to jump over the neighbors poodle last week but kept having trouble. Well, he was actually having sex. And even cows have sex. And now you know where the veal we eat every single night comes from. 

Sometimes people like to have sex for fun. Sometimes people like to have sex for people to watch. Sometimes people have sex for people to photograph. Sometimes people have sex for science. All of these things are quite natural, Billy.

Remember when you went to the museum and they had all of those models? People had to have sex to create those. But through the magic of science, those men and women had sex with pieces of plastic and it created plastic babies, placentas, and embryos that could be ethically harvested and hung on walls in the museum. Did you know that some men and women like to have sex with pieces of plastic? Well, Billy, it is absolutely true. If you look in Mom's hosiery drawer you may find a piece of plastic that she sometimes has sex with when Dad is on business trips or golfing with his friends.

Are you still confused, Billy? Well, hopefully you won't be much longer. You see, Billy, men and women have sex because they have the proper boy-parts and girl-parts for having sex. For boys, that is a penis. The picture above shows one. The penis has millions of a sperm that swim and make babies. Billy you don't need to worry about how. It just happens. Sometimes on purpose and sometimes on accident.

It may seem overwhelming Billy, but that is what makes sex fun. The sense of adventure, the possibility of accident.

And Billy, that is what makes us human.
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Thursday, May 13, 2010

Manuals Education: Facts Aren't Enough

A few months ago, I happened across four strangely titled pamphlets while I was examining the wares at a antique shop in Missoula, Montana. I figured by the title of the book I had come across a pleasant little Christian handbook of some sort, one that has pictures of happy white families and drawings of nuclear holocausts. But I was surprised to find a stack of early sixties era sexual education manuals. 

The text doesn't really need much explanation. In fact, almost all of the booklets are pure comedy gold. It is unfortunate that the authors didn't intend the works to be so.

Click on the images to enlarge the text for your reading enjoyment. Of note, the section on scribbles on the bathroom wall, taking care of pets, and finding sex objects in the child's possession provides much amusement. However funny these books may seem and despite their archaic portrayal of gender roles, it is probably more accurate and progressive than the education manuals that are out there today. That would probably be because the authors of the manuals were the AMA and not a text book company subject to the whims of Texan school boards.

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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Quiz: Superpowers Beyond Your Imagination

The Quiz is one of those types of creations that can only come from the mind of Grant Morisson. As a member of the Brotherhood of Dada, The Quiz was responsible being part of the team that led to the city of Paris being sucked into a painting.

While odd in appearance, The Quiz is potentially the most powerful metahuman in existence. For this woman in a strange suit is able to manifest any superpower...that you have never thought of. Therefore, in order to defeat the quiz, one must think of every superpower imaginable and to defeat this villain's nefarious plans. Or you can cut open The Quiz's hermetically sealed suit that keeps here completely dirt free given she has a fear of dirt.

But this gets me thinking about a bunch of stuff. She obviously can't weld dogs to individuals or have her arms fall off so she use her detached arms to beat people since someone came up with these two marvelously strange superhuman feats. This happens to be a good thing, for if you encounter the Quiz, her arsenal is now limited by two powers. So let's come up with some new things to take away from her arsenal.  Basically if you think of a power she will never have it.

  • Were-Starfish power: The power to turn into a starfish during the full moon. Unfortunately this power is kind of useless because you end up stuck to a wall, but you can re-grow legs if they are cut off. Just takes a lot of time. (A friend of mine named Jake came up with this)
  • 3-D&D Vision: She can conjure monsters from the Dungeons and Dragons Source Books by blinking.
  • Cold-Activated Heat Projectiles: The ability to throw fireballs, but only at sub-zero temperatures. 
  • Morton Downy Jr. Breath: The ability to spray the toxic carcinogenic fumes of the late talk show host.
Of course there could be a ton more...If you just imagine.

But with these four made-up give us an edge. Use this knowledge wisely.

Friday, May 7, 2010

How Children's Television Ruined My Life...

I may be prone to hyperbole at times, but I often hate it when I am doubted. And for years, I had the seeds of doubt sprouting and taking firm roots in my psyche as I tried to recall the specifics and title of a television show I remember watching on public television as a child.

I couldn't tell you much about it except there were large animals, a weird frog, an owl in a tree, and some pink hippo/pig like beast. It scared the hell out of me, much like Mr. Roger's trolley rings an ominous tone as it pulls into a the tunnel before entering the land of make believe.

Anyway, it took decades before I realized it was the New Zoo Revue...and that this wasn't a fever dream or other figment of a drugged up childhood imagination. 

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Ah the 90s...Crack and and the Damage Done

I remember when the following video by The Dogs came out almost two decades ago. My schoolmates and I would skip around in circles chanting, "Yo Mamma's on Crack Rock..."

This however does not rank as a meowable song. Instead it falls into the realm archaic public awareness songs. There were others, like "No Coke" by Dr. Alban. This too lack's any meowability. Basically singing about crack is about as much fun as singing about meth, but but with teeth intact.

Anyway, for your viewing pleasure....

Monday, May 3, 2010

So now...a diversion, a collision, and a perversion...

Lost GirlsImage via Wikipedia
Well, to roughly paraphrase a certain radio personality, "It's been a quiet week in Portland, Oregon..."

I have been pondering a few things as of late. Where my responsibility dwells, the ethics of ethnicity, how to throw rocks at glass ceilings, and more importantly...whether I should start writing really crappy erotic stories to post on this blog.

I have to preface this by stating there are very few, if any, good pieces of erotic literature. Most end up being pieces of masturbatory typing that end up more comical than works of fine fiction, biography, or any form of literature. I was brought to thinking about this by reading Lost Girls, by Alan Moore, which is essentially a pornographic re-imagining of the adult lives of particular female storybook characters. While everyone fawns over Mr. Moores work, his writing is that of a dirty old man. And the story is the fantasies of a dirty old man with a penchant for literature.

I recall years ago meeting a coworker who graduated from an Ivy League school's writing program. Upon discussion, when she found out that I too had a degree in creative writing, she decided that I should review her portfolio. I found this to be an honor given that writing can be a very personal art especially as people scrounge up the courage for critique before tromping off to the harsh world of publisher rejection. What I encountered was different to say the best.

Lesbian, unicorn, erotica. Three words that sum up the forty pages of single spaced, New Times Roman, twelve-point font she handed to me. For lesbian, unicorn, erotica I guess it wasn't bad. There were naked women, there were unicorns, there was coitus and a certain level of word play that only a cunning linguist could perform. But there were also rainbows. And except for a few occasions, serious literature rarely has unicorn and rainbows. The part that made it particularly bad that the it wasn't even stimulating to even the most deprived of onanist at the time.

So how does one create good (bad) erotica? Well, you don't include certain things such as unicorns.
In fact there could be a list of things that would be included under a category of unsexy places and characters to never include in a erotic short story. This isn't to say that these individuals don't copulate or people have not copulated in such places, but in a story it would never work.

  • Dentists
  • Sanitation Workers
  • Pig Styes
  • Tofu Manufacturing Plant
  • Alan Moore
  • STD Clinic
  • Rush Limbaugh
  • Gnomes
Now, there are a number of fantasy writers that draw from the world of mythology to create erotic beasts. Centaurs are sexy, even Walt Disney used this to his advantage in Fantasia. But unicorns, well, unicorns can only be tamed by a virgin. And this just amounts to an awkward first time.

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