Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Open Letter to Mr. Ted Nugent (Unedited Historical Post)

Dear Mr. Ted Nugent,

I have an idea. A brilliant idea, in if I might add. The thing is, of all the people in America, you are the only one I believe who can help me make this idea a reality. It has haunted my mind since I first devised this concept, and over many, conversations at bars in which many bar patrons found my idea to be a grand one. Granted I was sober and telling my story and vision to a number of people drinking Pabst and really doing nothing but that, but still I think I have something here.

Imagine this: It is World War II, you take on a group of neglected children, and kill Nazis. The film would be a musical. And we would call that Musical The Sound of Nugent. Basically it would be a remake of The Sound of Music but without nuns, and you with a lot of guns and flaming arrows shooting at Nazis. No one likes Nazis and I really can't think of anything else that would be politically correct to kill in front of children. I mean, you could take the Von Trapps and teach them how to actualy make traps and snares. And then during a roaring rock concert you can sneak them out of Austria and send them to America where they kick ass in the America scebne

Now in respect of your masculinity I would not ask you to spin around a meadow with arms stretched out. I would not as for your hair to be bobbed or blonde. You won't be falling in love with some navy captain, but we can have a couple of women fighting for your attention as you teach the mischevious Von Trapps children respect and appreciation for hunting rifles. In fact I hear a wailing guitar track and a clever reworking of many of the songs that made the original so fond to many. Here are some of the sample lyrics I have come up with:

Doe a deer hung on my wall

Ray the type of gun I choose

Me, I am, A MAN my self

Far, my aiming skill will stun.

Sew is how I made my buck-skin suit

La la la la la la la

T the start of TNT

which brings us back to Doe...

Add a guitar solo, a quiver of flaming arrows, and a couple of kids you can teach the virtues of hunting, surviving, and how Nazis are no good for America or any country and I think we would have a hit.

Now I know this might all seem sissy, but as a person who watched your reality show, I know that you conceded victory to a young gay man who stood up to all of your challenges. I also watched the reality show where you worked with Don Kirschner to make a rock and roll super group. Let's face it Don made the Monkees and The Archies, not really that cool. But you leading a resistance of youth against Nazi oppression would have balls.

Not being of great wealth, I would need help financing the film. But I know people who could act in the movie and possibly film and edit it. It wouldn't take that much. I am certain that getting guns to Austria, even if we were only shooting blanks, would be difficult, so I figued we could film the movie in, oh, let's say, the rockies. And if we shoot (no pun intended), during hunting season, you could also possibly pick up some game. And let me tell you one of my friends makes a mean venison dish.

I hope you don't find my idea too novel. I believe it could sell. And I believe that it would do well. We would at least achieve cult status with this film.

Please contact me if you find this proposal fitting to your interests. Thank you for your time and consideration.


1 comment:

  1. You did NOT mention this during our discussion of P(AUB). The Musical- Sound of Nugent clarifies alot.