Sunday, May 16, 2010

Hey Little Billy, Are You Confused?

The best thing about old educational pamphlets are the illustrations. And how, perhaps, the easily lend themselves to creation of a narrative. Take for example Billy.

Billy has just learned about "sex." But what is sex? Well, Billy, that is just a wonderful question for your adolescent mind to ask. But before you ask your friends what sex is, why don't we tell you right now.

Well, for some fetishists, sex involves large feathered animals, as shown in your imaginings. Yes, the stork, is partially responsible for you. That's right Billy. In fact Dad is running home right now. He has some time left over from his three-martini lunch. And while you are at school Mom and Dad and the stork will be having fetish filled copulatory acts and soon you will have a little brother or sister.

You see Billy, this is completely natural. Elephants have sex. That is how we end up getting more ivory for your piano. Birds have sex; that is how you get eggs for your omelets. And I know that you love omelets. Dogs have sex. Remember when Rex was trying to jump over the neighbors poodle last week but kept having trouble. Well, he was actually having sex. And even cows have sex. And now you know where the veal we eat every single night comes from. 

Sometimes people like to have sex for fun. Sometimes people like to have sex for people to watch. Sometimes people have sex for people to photograph. Sometimes people have sex for science. All of these things are quite natural, Billy.

Remember when you went to the museum and they had all of those models? People had to have sex to create those. But through the magic of science, those men and women had sex with pieces of plastic and it created plastic babies, placentas, and embryos that could be ethically harvested and hung on walls in the museum. Did you know that some men and women like to have sex with pieces of plastic? Well, Billy, it is absolutely true. If you look in Mom's hosiery drawer you may find a piece of plastic that she sometimes has sex with when Dad is on business trips or golfing with his friends.

Are you still confused, Billy? Well, hopefully you won't be much longer. You see, Billy, men and women have sex because they have the proper boy-parts and girl-parts for having sex. For boys, that is a penis. The picture above shows one. The penis has millions of a sperm that swim and make babies. Billy you don't need to worry about how. It just happens. Sometimes on purpose and sometimes on accident.

It may seem overwhelming Billy, but that is what makes sex fun. The sense of adventure, the possibility of accident.

And Billy, that is what makes us human.
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