Saturday, July 3, 2010

Miracle of America

In my adventures to Montana, I happened across this roadside billboard. Nothing could be more mysterious or more astounding than to name itself the "Miracle of America Museum." Unfortunately due to time constraints and given that I spotted this sign in the dead of winter, me travel companion convinced me it was unwise to head toward Polson to find out what this "miracle" really was.

But since today is Dependence Day, the day before Independence Day. I figure we might as well speculate what types of miracles we could associate with America.

Is it the semi-virginal birth of that third generation of Palins? Is it that Lord of the Rings swept the Oscars? Or maybe that the Cubs haven't won a World Series in lord only knows how long? Perhaps our first African-American President is our miracle of America, just like JFK being the first Catholic President was a miracle for America (and the Vatican). Another miracle could be the time that Jesus spent with the Native Americans before he ascended into heaven. Or that L. Ron Hubbard had a bad experience with a psychologist and decided to create his own religion.

That is what makes America great, so many little miracles. All of which are dependent on each other and all of which we depend on for our independence. So tomorrow, when you are firing off explosives and eating too much barbecue, remember what this holiday is really about...

One day God told George Washington to cut down a giant cherry tree, the largest cherry tree in all of America and to build an Ark. When George's father asked about what the boy had done, he simply stated, "I cannot lie, I am on a mission from God, and I am building an Ark to kick some British ass." So George got his friend Paul Revere, and John Adams together and they decided they were going to make this country. George, John, and Paul, and their giant Ark killed ten thousand British People, and they all drank tea, because Oregon and Washington were not invented yet so good coffee didn't exist. And they said, "Fuck you, we're going to get Ben Franklin to make us something really cool that uses electricity and cocaine, and then we are going to write a constitution." So once they wrote the constitution and divided the country up into thirteen states, they called this country The United States of America...You can Suck it Britain. Unfortunately the last part of official title could not fit onto the dollar bill so they had to remove the "suck it Britain" part. Now that they were independent, George, John, and Paul, used an ancient Masonic ritual to move the giant Ark to a hidden dimension where presided by future president Polk. When America is in its greatest moment of turmoil, the Ark will come from its outer dimension and save the country because Angels and Abraham Lincoln will be navigating the helm.


Look at the small print in the constitution. It is all there. 

Happy Dependence Day.
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