Monday, November 2, 2009

On Recycling...

My Chemistry class had a project due in about a week on the topic of recycling and I thought that I should do something innovative, something ground breaking, something beyond the scope of normalcy that everyone will be shocked and awed by how shockingly awesome it is.

Thus my class project:

The Mercury Recycling Project for the Portland Area:

The new long-lasting compact fluorescent bulbs have become a troublesome blessing to the environmentally concerned individuals of this city.  On one hand people want to conserve energy, on the other the mercury in the ballast of the bulb is a grave hazard to the environment. The bulbs cannot be disposed the way a normal incandescent is tossed away,  And who wants a house cluttered with toxic burned out light bulbs?

So what do we do with the Mercury? We recycle it! How? Well, since mercury is no longer used in thermometers, that market is a no go, but there is one popular use for mercury that never goes away. The world of vaccination has an everlasting need for mercury. Why? Well mercury acts as a preservative keeping the vaccine stable as it is used over and over preventing the plagues of the world.

So if we take those burned out bulbs and all that useless mercury and add it to our vaccine supply, that will ensure that it will be stable for a lot longer. Preservation for the masses. And when we need to use those vaccines we can inject babies. Why? Because we want to keep our babies healthy and disease free.

By making babies holding vessel for all of our unneeded mercury waste we take care of our light bulb problems and the inevitable future pollution problems those bulbs would cause. The ground water would never be rendered toxic, our salmon will never have brain damage, and our tuna will be able to be canned safely without fear of being canned with Mercury. The earth is saved!

Of course there comes a point when babies grow up. At that point babies are no longer appealing to the public and we won't want to take care of them by vaccinating them. These toddlers will need to be sent into space. And new babies will need to be created, of course. This cycle will need to continue until we no longer have to worry about the compact fluorescent bulbs and their accursed mercury. And what about those toddlers in space? Well eventually they will come back to earth's orbit. But don't worry, everyone loves shooting stars. Those toddlers will fill our days with thousands of millions of shooting make a wish everyone. Make a wish.

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