Sunday, October 18, 2009

Evil Monkey: Mustached Menaces

Intuition and conditioning tells us that people with mustaches are by nature friendly. We all knew them from the educational films we watched in 5th grade health class. You remember those films--the whirring projectors, the teacher with a headache, the worry the film spool might break. 

Anyway, the men with mustaches drove large cars and vans and they liked to hang out around playgrounds. And they always had candy. What was there not to be trusted about them? And motorcycle cops had mustaches, and everyone can trust a police officer wearing leather chaps with shiny handcuff on his belt, right?

But of course the evil monkeys had to come along and ruin it. 

That white mustache might look like one of those insidious "Got Milk" advertisements, but it is actually a line of pure cocaine, evil, and monkey hair. In fact the Mustached Monkey is the only mammal to naturally secrete its own narcotics into its own body. This constant supply of cocaine makes permanent stains on the upper lip of this evil simian and the constant flow of drugs turns it into the biggest asshole out of any other monkey. When you need to use the restroom, it is there taking with a group of other Mustached Monkeys chattering at a high rate about how important their band will be to the music scene. 

The Mustached Monkey however is an avoidable beast. Given the animals tendency toward self-importance and other ego-stroking activities, it likes to spend most of its time around hipster bar bathroomstalking about how cool they are and that they are so cool because they secrete their own cocaine instead of spending their evil monkey trust funds on it. So if you go out to see a show, don't go use the restroom.

Their status in the Simian Kabal ranks low. Greater evil monkeys and apes will often sell Mustached Monkeys is a weird forms of narcotic-slavery trade. Unsuspecting coke heads try to purchase the Mustached Monkeys thinking they would be a new source of everlasting dope. When this occurs, the monkey usually eats the unsuspecting coke head, unknowingly ridding the world of one annoyance but leaving us with a well fed evil new one.

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