Monday, October 12, 2009

1492 Revisited... Happy Colobus Day

Piliocolobus kirkii (Zanzibar Red Colobus), Th...Image via Wikipedia
So it's time for a history lesson...

In 1492 the Colobus monkey was sent by the Spanish Inquisition to seek out new "spices" such as cocaine and peyote to fill the pagan orgies of the Simian High Court. 

The head Colobus Monkey, Cristobal Colobus, was honored for determining the Earth was hollow and for driving most of the remaining civilized humans that lived in Spain to hide in caves. It was thought that this new quest to find spices could also find more humans for unique slave tasks.

Why? A logical question to ask, because monkeys are evil. And the Colobus monkey is very much a conqueror of foreign lands. The land soon to be named America, or the New Monkey Orgy Land, history would later tell us was Cristobal Colobus's greatest accomplishment.

Natives of the islands, curious to the nature of these simian ships, came to great the strange sailors. But this was far from the peaceful greating we have been told in our history books. Upon landing on land the wild band of Colobus monkeys fled off the docks and violently burned the hills and forests of the small island that would eventually become named Jamaica. They also ate babies. And threw lots of poo, because that is what colobus monkeys do. Cristobal was not above such activities and ate twelve native babies.

Cristobal, thinking he had circumcised and circumnavigated the the globe thought he had landed in back at his starting place.  When he saw half-naked people who didn't speak his language, the simian prince of the sea decided that these people must have snuck into Spain while he was sailing. And that is why people of America call those who are don't speak the same language "sneaky immigrants." 

And this is why we celebrate Colobus Day. So honor your simian Overlords. HONOR THEM OR PAY DIRE CONSEQUENCES...

This message has been Forced upon you by the
3rd order of the Simian Kabal
local 28
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