Saturday, July 30, 2011

The Bradley

In Bozeman, we have an entity that I have come to define as "The Bradley." Bradleys are a unique form of douchebag; one might call them a subspecies found in the higher elevations of the Rockies. I assume random populations could be found in areas like Boulder, CO, and other mountainous regions where outdoor sports are popular.

What defines a Bradley from other well know douches? We are all familiar with the Joeys, Chips, and Chazzes, most of these are urban dwelling fauna. Joey's can be found frequenting bars with many televisions, wearing Polo shirts, and are typically spotted with either a white baseball cap, or copious amounts of hair gel, frosted plumage, and a unique odor of bad cologne. Chips frequent the college environments and are known to tout the colors of their favorite academic institution though they may have never actually graduated from said institution. Chazzes often have a unique form of jaundiced appearance due to a excess use of fake tanning products; unbuttoned shirts, puca shells and, or gold chains become the most common accessories of this subspecies.

But what of the Bradley. The Bradley is the Outdoorsy D-bag. They are the trail-runners; the guys that have to have the best gear so they look good while they do something simple outside. For example, two people will go on a hike--one person uses a found stick to as a walking pole while the Bradley buys a $500 carbon fiber retractable pole with GPS tracking, laser sights, and a hair gel dispenser. Okay, so maybe not a hair gel dispenser, but the point is that they must look good while doing everything.

The Bradley will still have the puca shell necklace, the white hat (typically pointed at an angle), listen to Sublime, Smashmouth, and insist that Dave Matthews is a great musician. He will drive like an asshole and he will have vanity plates on his SUV.

Bozeman doesn't have hipsters. Bozeman has Bradleys.

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