Confessions of a Bag Boy or Happy Birthday Tetris

I did not know this until I was strolling through the internet today, but the video game Tetris celebrates its twenty-fifth birthday on June 7th. This is a wonderful thing for all of us and perhaps the biggest coup the KGB has ever scored against the American populace.

Now, none of this is based in any proven information, but I am truly convinced that the Russian created game was the USSR's last attempt to subvert America. A little history based in fact first and then I will jump into the realm of conspiracy and speculation. Tetris was originally created by a computer programmer and the game although it has sold somewhere around 70 million copies, most of the royalties went to the Kremlin, not the creator. Okay, so I jumped the gun and went right to the conspiracy theories.

So here is my theory: While the Kremlin knew the fall of the USSR was encroaching, they needed one final lasting blow against the remnants of the Reagan era. They placed their best, top talent on creating a highly addictive video game and target it to a generation of children. This group of children who have been raised on American television and lack interest in literature and other pursuits become attached the game focussing primarily on this. While people in America think they are improving hand-eye coordination and quick reflexes with this video game, the KGB knows better, the nature of the game actually degrades various portions of the brain for logical processes and higher level function leaving people only able to function with a sense of spatial reasoning. While this does not render Tetris players into drooling masses, it does make them incapable of working in many occupations that require verbal strategy and higher order function.  Those individuals  are reduced to menial jobs such as filling grocery bags, loading trucks, building boxes, et cetera. I know, I spent years working as a bag boy, a furniture mover, and packing boxes in a warehouse. Only once I eliminated television and video game stimulus for a period of ten years did I break the cycle and free myself.

Now, if you think about it, when you go to a grocery store, it is very easy to spot the difference between children who played Tetris growing up from those who did not have a Gameboy or other video game system. The same can be said for those who load moving vans and trucks--if there is an irregular shape that doesn't seem to fit, a Tetris player can make it work without breaking. That same individual might not be able to file their taxes on time or explain Kant's "Categorical Imperative" but they sure can assemble things in a neat order. But those Tetris players make damned good baggers.

Communism eventually fell. And Tetris is still popular.

America now has a collapsing economy. There are no jobs for bag boys. Perhaps the Kremlin is having the last laugh after all.