Missing pictures

Image via Wikipedia

So today, I took the day off of work to study for an exam. Of course, I became distracted and started looking for the my personal white whale, a photograph of me standing next to a walrus named ET who lived at the Point Defiance Zoo in Tacoma, Washington.

Of course, I did not find the picture.

And now I have an exam in half-an-hour. This is going to be an interesting evening.

Speculatron: Thoughts on Blackest Night... I called it!

YES...

So it is true! Spoilers if you follow this link to IGN.com.

And it looks like they made Nekron look a hell of a lot creepier than a skeleton with a butterfly collar.

Dang...

I have often stated there are three types of humor:

• Funny "Ha Ha."
• Funny "Uh Oh."
• Funny "Oh No"

The following image falls into the the third category of "Funny Oh No!" I cannot take credit for this discover of abstract urban artwork, that actually falls on the hands of my good friend Eric, who stands somewhat befuddled in this picture. For, what you see in this picture is human feces thrown onto a wall and splattered at a height of approximately 18 feet with the poetic inscription, "butt vomit," indelibly marked next to it.

Why someone was inspired to do this, I cannot say. How they managed to do this...well that baffles me even more, especially given that the container used to project the excrement has partially remained embedded in the object on the wall. A certain amount of thought and effort had to go into organizing such a feat. It is a fairly well travelled road both during the day and night.

And how does one respond to a site like this?

Personally, I believe my first words were, "Oh dear god." followed by a certain type of laughter that causes pain in the lower muscles of the abdomen and wheezes from trying to catch one's breath.

By no means do I encourage such vandalism. In fact I find the whole thing repulsive. But at the same time, it was so off-kilter that I couldn't help but find it shockingly funny. A friend of mine were discussing inappropriate things to laugh at; we came up with a school bus full of clowns gets hit by a train. That would be funny "Oh No!" But then we realized if the bus were filled with mimes it would be goddamned hilarious.

More Pharmacy Fun...

For decades I have looked at this scale and never really thought about the novelty of this device...Nor have I pondered the fates it has imposed upon weary people waiting for antibiotics, allergy drugs, and the occasional cure for that nagging sore that keeps coming back "down there."

Of course in the realm of unscrupulous medical devices, if one would include a fortune-reading scale as a medical device, it is pretty benign. It isn't an Oxydonor or Prostate Warmer. Instead it is just a simple fad. It reminds me of a chapter of a book by Paul Collins's book Barnvard's Folly about the Blue Glass Craze where everyone thought that sitting under blue glass would allow special solar rays to filter through and give rejuvenating energy to those with rheumatism, gout, arthritis, and other ailments. I guess a scale is a little less interesting than certificates that allow for the dispensing of opium and coca leaves, but still, these little overlooked items always intrigue me.

Private Collections: Pharmacy Relics

Brooklyn Pharmacy, located in SE Portland, is probably the longest continuously operating pharmacy in the state of Oregon. In this day and age of giant mega-stores, dispensing medications, the neighborhood, independently owned pharmacy is a rare thing. As other local pharmacies have closed over the years, their antiques and curiosities have been making their way to Mike, the owner and main pharmacist of this little shop. The following pictures are pieces of this history.

The above are vials of strychnine. As I look at each of the bottles, tiny vials, and little boxes in the three display cases arranged in the pharmacy, it amazes me how many cures were poisons. In fact, almost all of the vials are clearly marked poison.

The images below are definite relics of a bygone era. At one point in time, opium and coca were commonly prescribed medicines. Bayer, the makers of Aspirin, were one of the first to manufacture and market heroin. Not only was it one of the best pain relievers known at the time, it was touted as a cure for alcoholism. Coca leaves have anesthetic properties that could be used ailments and the pick-me-up it provided was an added bonus. But while cocaine and heroin have become street drugs, their pharmacological properties are still widely noted and their derivatives are used to this day.

The number of old vials and bottles in the Brooklyn Pharmacy Collection is quite amazing. Compounding agents, mortars and pestles, pill forming tools, and an interesting collection of old hand-written prescriptions dating back to 1890. If you are in SE Portland, this is definitely a collection worth looking at.

career choices: racecar driver

I could have been many things...

Like a race car driver...Just like that man on the salad dressing bottle. He was a race car driver. But then he up and died. Like other race car drivers do. But he did so after making millions and millions of gallons of salad dressing.

When I decided that I wanted to be a race car driver I went to the computer kiosk that they have at the job counseling center. But as I was typing I got a nasty case of the hiccups and I accidentally hit the space bar at the wrong moment while typing out my profession of choice.

Thus, I became a "Race Card River." Fitting given that I am of mixed heritage and live near the confluence of two mighty rivers, the majestic Columbia and the Superfund, Super-friend Willamette.

So today, instead of burning rubber on asphalt, I just make an ass out of my self for my own faults. And I had out race cards for those minorities in need. So, if you are looking for an ethnic trump, come see me!

Evil Monkey Picture of the Week

I know what your thinking. You think that because this monkey is confined in a cage of wire mesh that you are safe. But you are completely wrong. The symbol on this card actually tells us the folly of this logic and i will explain here briefly. Never trust a caged monkey; they are always plotting their escape and your demise.

While the pictures these wildlife fact cards provide may present innocuous views of animals, hiding their vicious nature from our naive and civilized contemporary existence, they are informative in a symbolic sense. If you look at the upper-left-hand corner there is a squared-circle symbolizing a logical fallacy.

Squaring the circle has been one of the great challenges of the mathematics community. The simple gist of it is to find an equation that can convert the area of a circle perfectly to the exact area of a square of the same size and proportion. While visually this seems like it would be possible, the nature curves, numbers, and geometry, and infinities does not allow this to happen and the non-repeating nature of pi makes this the mathematical equivalent of a perpetual motion machine essentially rendering it a pursuit of fringe mathematicians who come up with long unprovable theorems that never stand the test of time.

Think of this evil monkey with in the wire mesh cage with the strange French name in much the same way. Oh, you might think that you are safe nearby. You might think that you have been convinced by some lunatic fringe element via the interweb that convinced you that said evil monkey was not that evil and that the circle could actually be squared. Ergo, everything is fine.

But of course you would be making a deadly error.

The other symbols have use as well and serve as other less direct warnings if you know how to read them properly. The Palm Tree shows preferences of environment in this case a desire to be in places with palm trees like Vallejo, California. The Udder as mentioned earlier means that you can milk this animal for dairy products; but do so only at your own risk.

Some things are too simple to not enjoy...

Three words: Gresham History Museum.


Three words in response: Holy Fuckin' Awesome!


My buddy Khris and I have already planned out a field trip and I am certain that it is only going to be the specific type of glorious that gloriousness can behold. 


Khris happened to inform me that Gresham's original name was Camp Ground. The name Gresham was actually the last name of the town's postmaster general which he conveniently lent to the town for posterity's sake. I like the name Camp Ground more.


In two weekends, we will be taking the Wonderful World of Clutter on the road for the first out of town excursion. Be excited because I am.

Mile marker

A few months ago, while watching Oregon Public Broadcasting's Oregon Field Guide I saw an interesting piece about Portland archaeology and unique historical landmarks. One of the highlights was a little concrete marker near my apartment, so I decided to take a picture of it.

While seemingly insignificant, this stone on Stark Street that Portland was a distance of two miles from this point further down the road.

Draped in ivy coming off of the crumbling concrete walls holding up boundaries of the Loan Fir Pioneer Cemetery, it is easy to miss this spot. For years I have walked past this mile marker and never noticed it. In fact I never knew that it was it was there.

Portland is really a young city. But it is kind of refreshing to see that some of these tiny pieces of its past still pop up here and there. For example, when the asphalt is scraped up on some of the major road ways, the original cobblestones and trolley rails are often uncovered for a few weeks. While it would be nice to see some of these restored, the age of modern convenience has made it so most people prefer smooth roads over historical curiosity. This little mile marker reminds me to keep these small pieces of the cities history in perspective, from the tiny iron rings in sidewalks to used to tie up horses, to the street names once imprinted in the concrete of street corners that showed old spelling of street names. Small things...

New Sports

During these warm days of summer, it is best that we all get outside, do activities, soak up some sunshine, and get our healthy dose of vitamin D. Personally, I have never been one for athletics, but I did come up for a great new sport today that I think will take the nation by storm.

You see, Portland has been an innovator in athletics. Home to the Nike empire, home of the hackey sack, home of one of the first city owned public skate parks, and vast parks for LARPers to sword play and cast spells. And of course Frisbee golf.

But Frisbee Golf is becoming the cliche game of aging hippies. We need something new and reflective of today's times. Thus, I propose the new game I invented...Frisbee Goth!

There are two variations on this game depending on your level of skill and desire for challenge and or social ridicule. But hey, everyone is looking for a challenge, and breaking boundaries is one way to break a sweat in these tumultuous times. For the amateur, I suggest Frisbee Goth Old World Style. In this version, you try to recruit as many goth kids as possible to spend the day in the sun in an open field and repeatedly throw Frisbees at them. Keep in mind this is not a game of catch, like Frisbee Golf you are trying to hit a target, in this case you are trying to hit a particularly miserable goth kid with a Frisbee who may or may not be moving. Frisbee Goth Remix is a bit more daring because it requires you to dress up as a goth kid and play Frisbee with a specific sense of despair and general malaise about life. The challenge with this is to not fall emotive cliches, overheat by wearing too much black in 80 degree weather.

If you want to add a particularly unique flair to both games you can use an actual metal pie tin, much like the original Frisbee pie tin, to add an element of sadistic pain to the game and a level of self-loathing to your actions. And nothing says summer like a little bit of pain and regret.