New Sports

During these warm days of summer, it is best that we all get outside, do activities, soak up some sunshine, and get our healthy dose of vitamin D. Personally, I have never been one for athletics, but I did come up for a great new sport today that I think will take the nation by storm.

You see, Portland has been an innovator in athletics. Home to the Nike empire, home of the hackey sack, home of one of the first city owned public skate parks, and vast parks for LARPers to sword play and cast spells. And of course Frisbee golf.

But Frisbee Golf is becoming the cliche game of aging hippies. We need something new and reflective of today's times. Thus, I propose the new game I invented...Frisbee Goth!

There are two variations on this game depending on your level of skill and desire for challenge and or social ridicule. But hey, everyone is looking for a challenge, and breaking boundaries is one way to break a sweat in these tumultuous times. For the amateur, I suggest Frisbee Goth Old World Style. In this version, you try to recruit as many goth kids as possible to spend the day in the sun in an open field and repeatedly throw Frisbees at them. Keep in mind this is not a game of catch, like Frisbee Golf you are trying to hit a target, in this case you are trying to hit a particularly miserable goth kid with a Frisbee who may or may not be moving. Frisbee Goth Remix is a bit more daring because it requires you to dress up as a goth kid and play Frisbee with a specific sense of despair and general malaise about life. The challenge with this is to not fall emotive cliches, overheat by wearing too much black in 80 degree weather.

If you want to add a particularly unique flair to both games you can use an actual metal pie tin, much like the original Frisbee pie tin, to add an element of sadistic pain to the game and a level of self-loathing to your actions. And nothing says summer like a little bit of pain and regret.