Career Choices

A number of years ago, after I finished graduate school, I was like many people seeking employment in the fair city of Portland. Unfortunately, facing the catch-22 of little work experience in any of the fields that caught my fancy (at the time non-profit work, archival research, and health sciences) and no one giving me the opportunity to further the skills I had, I began to turn to other avenues of interest.

At this point in time, I had been sending out upwards of ten job applications a day and had been doing so for about four months, decorating match boxes, drinking tea, and living in my folks house taking in a hundred-fifteen dollars a week in unemployment insurance. Desperation began to sink in as I scoured the internet.

And then something in my mind clicked. My internal dialogue went a little like this:

You love museums. You have told everyone that you want to own a museum. You need to work in a museum. Short of going back to school and taking up another master's degree in museum studies, what should could you do to work in a museum?

I sat at my desk for a while pondering this query. I could very easily try and work on my archiving skills. I had done quite a bit of work combing through dusty files searching for documents while looking for artifacts about my families time in internment camps during World War II. But I wanted to do something more tactile. I have a love for natural history.

I could become a taxidermist.

It seemed like a genius plan.

I found a taxidermy school in Montana with a low tuition, dorm, and meal plan. I could enroll and have a certificate in about two months. If I did everything correctly, I could master the art of large animal mounts and start working on animals for museums and build exhibits like they have at the Smithsonian, the American Natural History Museum in New York, or the Field Museum in Chicago. I didn't mind moving to Montana. I had a bunch of friends from Montana, and they all loved it there. Of course they were all living in Portland. And I had never killed an animal let alone skinned and tanned an animals pelt before. But those were all just minor obstacles that I could overcome.

That evening my parents decided to go out for dinner and they invited me along. I told my mother about the best idea that I had had in months. I explained all of the details. How I the cost of living would be very low while I lived in Montana and how the taxidermy school had a meal plan. A meal plan! How could a right minded parent argue with that?

After I finished outlining my new life plan. My mother sat there quiet for a few minutes. And looked at me and said in a very calm voice, "Patrick, you really need a job."


I paused not really certain what to say in response since this was going to be my path to a new job. So I mentioned it again thinking it would add more weight to my argument, a heavier sense of urgency, a sense of thought and commitment that this was what I thought was the proper choice in life. "But the school has a meal plan and a dorm..."


My mother sat silent for another minute. And we both looked at a giant mounted marlin on the wall of the restaurant. "Patrick, you need a girlfriend," was all she stated as we both stared at the giant fish on the wall.


"Yes, Mom. Yes...I know."


A month later, I took a job in a warehouse for minimum wage dreaming of stuffed deer, stuffed rhinos, lions posed like they were going to attack, and gazelle heads majestically staring forward from a polished plaque on a wall.

This time: In Stereo

 

A few years ago my friend gave me this stereoscope image. The gentleman is a Japanese soldier and he is squatting in front of a makeshift bombshelter. The above image, with faded hand tinted colors, lacks a lot of the glory of later 3-D works and much of the flashiness of later film images. I just kind of find this image charming and desolate at the same time. Not really the type of image that I would like to view in glorious 3-D but then again, I grew up with television and can entertain myself with moving pictures on a telephone that I carry in my pocket.

There is something alluring about the early Stereoscopes, Viewmasters, True-Views, and other optical illusion devices of the twentieth century. At one point in time Viewmaster reels captured every roadside attraction and tourist trap in the country along with every national monument. The original company was based in Portland so a lot of the original reels have a local flavor to them. At the same time they capture that glorious fifties and sixties era color schemes.

I wish I had something profound to say...

I don't...

Eh...

Bustin' Through

This is the Father of Oregon

 Dr. John McLoughlin.

Oregon has long standing roots with fur traders interested in beaver pelts.

Yes, I will allow you make whatever jokes you want to make at this point right now...

...

...

Okay...

Are you finished?

Good...

Now read the plaque.

 

He is so famous and known throughout the state, that we named a part of Highway 99 after him. A particular strip that is filled with used car dealerships, a few strip clubs, Dollar Tree, and other assorted shops truly symbolic of how wonderful our state is.

Every picture I seems to find of Dr. McLoughlin, he looks kind of unhappy. Maybe it is because we named a really crappy road after him. Or maybe the really great road we named after him, that runs through the town he lived in, where the house that he lived in still stands, even I believe it was moved from its original location (though not to build the highway), became really crappy when people who moved to this state decided to put up car dealerships and dollar stores.

Dr. McLoughlin will never know.

Spirit Animals

 

Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. And sometimes a postcard of a Jackalope is worth more than a million sentences. I truly believe that these creatures are one of the most amazing creations out there. As a part of American folklore, they still perplex and amuse. People who have never encountered a mounted trophy of a jackalope question whether they are real. The physical object is in front of them defying all logic of illustrated bestiaries. But no zoo has ever had one. Yet, no zoos held rabbits, dogs, cats, cows, or other "common" animals. Even deer were too common for most zoological gardens. So to see this hybrid, this fusion of a jack-rabbit and antelope (although the antlers are distinctly deer), makes one wonder, "Did I simply miss something?"

The jackalope poses interesting existentialist arguments. Does the jackalope exist as an object or as a concept? Is there an essense of jackalope of an anti-essence of jackalopeness? If the jackalope is merely a construct why does it continue to seep into the collective consciousness of Americana? The way I view it, is that our country is too young to have created a mythology. The taxidermy hoaxes, urban legends, and mythic stories of comic book heroes are what create our legends. We have stories of Paul Bunyan, Pecos Bill, John Henry, and Shaft. But beyond that, we are left with the biographies of historical figures. 

Where are our allegorical figures living on mountains dictating our lives from afar? The jackalope is one of the remaining wild beasts to be tamed by cowboys who ride broncos that snort fire and eat cactus.

Disco is Dead...We are now in Heaven...I think

 

Yep, it's official, God hates disco. But jehovah certainly loves kitschy pop art. 

I have a certain peculiar love for the fine literature of the Watchtower. Something about it just makes me giggle like a school child. Maybe it is the highly illustrated airbrushedness of it all. Maybe it is that every they draw out seems so urgent, so now. Or maybe I am just a sucker for propaganda art work.

I remember once walking through a mall and running into a group of Jehovah's Witnesses handing out Watchtowers. They asked if I would like something to read and of course I told them "OF COURSE, I will take five!" They looked shocked. I didn't stay for the mini sermon or the recruitment message. However, I did look at all of the lovely pictures of children in the Kingdom of Heaven, which looks vaguely like the settings found in the Sound of Music with a great deal more minority children. There will be African Children and Asian Childen and White Kids and Latino Children all playing with tamed lions and sheep and tigers and rhinocerouses and octopuses and giant squid and everyone is happy. 

Happy I tell you. 

Much happier than the pictures above. 

But then, God does hate disco.

My Super Power is in my Belly

 

What can be said about the Legion of Super-Heroes, other than they are one of the most awesome group of super powered teens in the entire future of humanity?

Well, how about that they have Matter-Eater Lad on their team. Yep, a lot has been written about Matter-Eater Lad, mainly because his super power is the ability to eat anything. Have a giant titanium door that you can't get through? Send in the Lad.  Bound by chains of diamond and unable to break through them? Send in the Lad? Caught in the quick-sand-like-slurry of baked beans? Send in the Lad...Ad infinitum.

Matter-Eater Lad isn't the first unique heroe to appear on the team. I am personally a fan of Infection Lass who is a carrier of every known every known disease yet is somehow immune to all known disease. She can pass such pathogens along to anyone she wishes. And there is the ever popular Arm-Fall-Off Boy. His name explains it all.

These are the heroes we need these days.

My trading cards will kick your Magic the Gathering cards Butt!

Not quite certain what to say about these cards I found a while back, other than they are awesome, tacky, and feature Jesus doing Jesussy things.  I have very little information about them except that I picked them up in Upstate New York at a random antique shop for fifty cents. Given the way they were weathered and the images appeared, I am guessing they were printed probably around the forties or fifties. On the back of each card is a bible lesson. 

Now being an agnostic, I am quite indifferent toward any of the teachings and all, however, the pop-art quality of everything and the pure kitsch of it all just baffles my mind each time I look at these.

Anyway, my Jesus can totally take down your Orc army like any day of the week. He has a Plus-Infinity Resurrect power, Self-Regenreation power, Can Walk on Water, Fly (as seen in pictures above), is able to cast out demons, and has a better beard than any wizard in your deck.

As far as I know, the only weakness the Jesus card has when played in Magic the Gathering, is that he is unable to hold round charms, stones, or amulets given the wounds in his hands. For some reason they keep falling through his palms.

 Please note, I have never played Magic the Gathering, so I really do not understand the dynamics of this game.

Confessions of a Bag Boy or Happy Birthday Tetris

I did not know this until I was strolling through the internet today, but the video game Tetris celebrates its twenty-fifth birthday on June 7th. This is a wonderful thing for all of us and perhaps the biggest coup the KGB has ever scored against the American populace.

Now, none of this is based in any proven information, but I am truly convinced that the Russian created game was the USSR's last attempt to subvert America. A little history based in fact first and then I will jump into the realm of conspiracy and speculation. Tetris was originally created by a computer programmer and the game although it has sold somewhere around 70 million copies, most of the royalties went to the Kremlin, not the creator. Okay, so I jumped the gun and went right to the conspiracy theories.

So here is my theory: While the Kremlin knew the fall of the USSR was encroaching, they needed one final lasting blow against the remnants of the Reagan era. They placed their best, top talent on creating a highly addictive video game and target it to a generation of children. This group of children who have been raised on American television and lack interest in literature and other pursuits become attached the game focussing primarily on this. While people in America think they are improving hand-eye coordination and quick reflexes with this video game, the KGB knows better, the nature of the game actually degrades various portions of the brain for logical processes and higher level function leaving people only able to function with a sense of spatial reasoning. While this does not render Tetris players into drooling masses, it does make them incapable of working in many occupations that require verbal strategy and higher order function.  Those individuals  are reduced to menial jobs such as filling grocery bags, loading trucks, building boxes, et cetera. I know, I spent years working as a bag boy, a furniture mover, and packing boxes in a warehouse. Only once I eliminated television and video game stimulus for a period of ten years did I break the cycle and free myself.

Now, if you think about it, when you go to a grocery store, it is very easy to spot the difference between children who played Tetris growing up from those who did not have a Gameboy or other video game system. The same can be said for those who load moving vans and trucks--if there is an irregular shape that doesn't seem to fit, a Tetris player can make it work without breaking. That same individual might not be able to file their taxes on time or explain Kant's "Categorical Imperative" but they sure can assemble things in a neat order. But those Tetris players make damned good baggers.

Communism eventually fell. And Tetris is still popular.

America now has a collapsing economy. There are no jobs for bag boys. Perhaps the Kremlin is having the last laugh after all.

Ride the Bronze Buffalo: Reader Contribution

About a month ago, I put out for photographs with the following instructions:

Find a bronze statue of an animal. 

Climb upon the statue.

Have a friend take a picture of you riding the bronze wonder.

Fin.

Well, this week I received my first addition to this project.




This image is from my friend Tara. The image is of her riding a bronze dog in Central Park, NY City. If memory serves correctly this is actually a memorial to Balto, a dog, that in reality did not talk but lived in Alaska.


So I extend the request once again. If you have a picture of yourself riding a bronze animal sculpture, send it along. You can join my Wonderful World of Clutter.

un-edited writings from an old blog...

Once Again I have mined the caverns of the an ancient brog and found this odd rambling about books that I read a few years ago and the knowledge that I tried to spread from their printed words. Yes, in hindsight I do realize that I was off kilter... But let's appreciate these relics of past mistakes. 


For more about the auroch, the weird bull-beast of the Bavarian forest, read the The Ghost with Trembling Wings: Science, Wishful Thinking and the Search for Lost Species.

 Historical Post #2

We should be a terrified people. No, I am not trying to be apocalytpical in my views, but shit is scary. And i mean the actual physical excrement we create. Viruses, bacteria, living organisms passed from person to person. It makes me think, I should really wash my hands more often.

I just read A Field Guide To Germs, and realize that there are so many things that are just plain icky and I keep going back to think about them.

Two things come to mind, one is that if the proper conditions exist, certain bacteria could multiply to an amount that would equal the mass of the earth. But bacteria, even though we are making them resistant to numerous drugs do to overuse, are really quite fragile. Ultra Violet light will destroy some, molds another, and different ones don't like heat or oxygen.

But this is all just silly. There isn't going to be a time when a giant blob of bacteria rolls into our fair cities to eclipse the sun.

So now, I move on to a more important debate that has been going on for some time. Is Superman bullshit or not? I am of the type that says, Superman is not bullshit.

Here are a few reasons:

Superman was created by two Canadian Jews. Thus Superman is Jewish.

And Metropolis is actually modeled off of the city of Toronto. So those of you confused by the Gotham/Metropolis difference, there is no need to worry, the dirty gang-ridden city is based on something American.

And, well Superman is an alien. And a Jewish Alien means that he, not only had to be circumcized (by some means), there is an intelligent designer and he has to be alien, and not created by earthmen, let alone a god, thus Christianity is all bunk. My vote goes to the idea that Krypton actually was god, and that Marlon Brando was the father of the Messiah like figure that was Superman, and through all of this Marlon Brando should be prayed to much in the way that Catholics venerate the Virgin Mary.

This runs like my logic on how to become a genius: People believe Nietzsche was a genius, Nietzsche's genius was attributed to his madness, his madness was caused by syphilis; ERGO, in order to become a genius, I must contract syphilis. Don't forget the Uber Mensch of his writings. And hell, he even ran with an extremely bigotted German, Wagner, until he thought his mentor was completely off base with his ideas of German Nationalism, inspiring hitler...and so on and so on. So Superman and fascism couple like two teenagers necking in a station wagon for the first time, confused and awkwardly.

Next direction to take this: the Auroch. The Auroch is a long extinct ancestor of modern cattle. But imagine the grandfather of your burger (boca is fine in my mind, but doesn't work with this thought experiment), being 3 times larger than your normal bull. And with huge horns. And with a temper. The cave paintings of Lascaux show people hunting the Auroch wiht spears. It was a scary creature. Now what does this  have to do with germs, Superman, and Crazy Germans? Retro-breeding of animals to a bring more primitive strain, to revive a long extinct cow. Yes, in Wagner's/Hitler's view of the world, not only would the Aryans dominate the world, the Black Forrest would be populated by animals that were originally found there. I forget the scientist's name but he worked on early genetic manipulation, the way most civilised people do it, by cross-breeding animals for specific traits. He wanted a ferocious bull that spat fire, he got a cow that kind of looked like the cave paintings. Basically, this isn't that crazy, but all of your heirloom tomatoes were created by similar means.

The good news, do not infect humans, or at least I have not found a case of one yet, but i might be wrong. But disease is often caused by unwashed vegetables fertilized with "night soils." However, Syphilis, the dreaded Pox will only grow in human within the human body, therefore, you might catch typhoid or typhus (different diseases), from your organic tomatoes but you won't become a genius eating them.

Following more tangential thoughts, if I remember correctly, some famous Brit writer, I can't remember who, roughly stated in effect "Syphilis, everyone has it. Big Deal."

Ah but we are no longer cool with VD or Geniuses anyway. Nor are people cool with indestructable people with a sense of ethics. As people have often told me that Superman is bullshit.

And since everyone else is bitching about it. It has been hot. Though, I have been working outside almost everyday it has hit that over-hundred mark, and people in switch from complaining about rain to complaining that we need rain.  I think that is one of the great contradictions that I love about this city.

Can you tell I am living a very boring life?

Eh, well, whatever.