A favorite Comic Story: Crisis One Million

Every once in a while I shall post a favorite piece of ephemera...in this instance, it shall be a comic few pages from one of my all time favorite comic book stories written by Grant Morrison. 

The following pages are taken from DC One Million 80-Page Giant #1,000,000, which was an anthology book as part of a cross-over event where the major heroes of the DC universe were transported into the future to the 853rd Century, when the 1,000,000th issue of many titles would be published (kind of genius if you think about the timing). 

Anyway, the story is kind of odd, complicated, and filled with lots and lots of super heroics, villainy, time paradoxes, double-crosses, and redemption tales. Kind of like the bible...but with more colors than Joseph's technicolor dream-coat and less singing. 

So with respect to the writers, artists, and publishers, these images are property of DC Comics: 

Some things just aren't right: Food Edition.

Last summer I ventured into my neighborhood vegan grocery store and happened to find this object of curioussity:




I was not really certain whether to be disgusted by the notion of vegetarian haggis or whether to think of it as just one of those complete absurd things that vegans/vegetarians need to create. I wish I had taken a picture of the contents of the can of vegetarian haggis. But if you are curious here is the link the manufacturers website. 

Before I get into a long rant about dietary preferences, full disclosure time. I used to live with three vegans, and three vegetarians when I was an undergrad in college. We ate communally, all chipped in for food, but I had no political aim with the choice. It was a matter of simple economics of the time. Basically we ate vegetables and grains, that was it. No processed food because we couldn't afford them. I also used to work in the specialty food industry with some of the individuals who brought Slow Food to America. 

While the notion of haggis is extremely gross to most everyone who hears the mere mention of the word; the simple gist of it is that it is a giant sausage...a really, really big sausage.

The following recipe was taken from the Food Network Website:

Ingredients

• 1 sheep stomach
• 1 sheep liver
• 1 sheep heart
• 1 sheep tongue
• 1/2 pound suet, minced
• 3 medium onions, minced
• 1/2 pound dry oats, toasted
• 1 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
• 1 teaspoon dried ground herbs

Directions

Rinse the stomach thoroughly and soak overnight in cold salted water.

Rinse the liver, heart, and tongue. In a large pot of boiling, salted water, cook these parts over medium heat for 2 hours. Remove and mince. Remove any gristle or skin and discard.

In a large bowl, combine the minced liver, heart, tongue, suet, onions, and toasted oats. Season with salt, pepper, and dried herbs. Moisten with some of the cooking water so the mixture binds. Remove the stomach from the cold salted water and fill 2/3 with the mixture. Sew or tie the stomach closed. Use a turning fork to pierce the stomach several times. This will prevent the haggis from bursting.

In a large pot of boiling water, gently place the filled stomach, being careful not to splash. Cook over high heat for 3 hours.

Serve with mashed potatoes, if you serve it at all.

Maybe it is the idea of mixing a bunch of odd sheep parts into your oatmeal and sewing it into a stomach that grosses people out, but to be honest, grinding up pork belly, odds and ends, and stuffing it into intestinal casing doesn't sound much better.

The vegan option consists oats, beans, nuts, rutabaga, lentils, salt, fat preservatives, and a tin can. Basically a slurry instead of a sausage...in a tin can. 

I don't know...Not certain what the point of this post was. People often complain about vegans and vegetarians eating imitation meat that "looks and feels just like the real thing." I am not certain how many people who have "converted" to a no-face-on-my-food policy really have a craving for haggis. I am pretty damned certain it isn't like bacon which seems to be the downfall of almost every vegan I know.

But Like I said, I have no idea what  the point of this post was. Sometimes we try things and fail. I think it made more sense than the pictures of the imitation fish not made of animal product that looked black and sludgly.

Portland History: A Test

For those of you who may not know a bit about the author of this web-log-clutter-entity, I grew up in the great land of Portland, Oregon. 

Portland is home to many things, such as: the worlds smallest park, Mill End Park, a place for leprechauns to play and picnic; The Kingsmen's version of Louie, Louie; and Tom Peterson and Gloria too. And well our own kind of superhero, Kiteman!

Kiteman was part of public safety campaign during the 80s informing us all about the importance of not getting out kites stuck in power lines. But there were great non sequitur moments in the commercial that seemed to have slid into the collective childhood subconsciousness.

Basically, here is a test for those who claim they are from Portland. If they grew up in Portland and were children during the 80s more than likely, they will understand this reference. The dialogue will proceed as following:

Person A: Where are you from?
Suspect Portlander: I'm from Portland.
Person A: Oh Really? Well, What about Frogs?

Two little caveats.  Caveat 1: Person A, could easily stand for Person Asshole, because let's face it this line of questioning/interrogation is a ham handed. But let's say the Suspect Portlander doesn't mind the passive aggressive tendencies of the hipster-prove-your-roots scene where we all come from slightly bitter undertone and just passes this off as part of the urban culture we abide by. Caveat 2: This is where you will need to give the person a minute to look and search their memory banks. If they are drunk they won't get it, or they might plant a fake memory into their head as so many alien abduction victims and/or people who say they actually remember Woodstock in 1969, not the movie, the event in Bethel, New York.

Continuing back to the questioning: If the person responds with a "huh?" Forget it, they might have grown up in...oh let's say Salem, Silverton, or Scio, but definitely not Portland. However,  If the Suspect Portlander responds with either, "I like Frogs," or "Kiteman!" with some level of glee. They were a child of Portland.

The things about Portland is, being a native, is a rare thing.  And in all honesty, I wasn't born here, my family moved here when I was 9-months old, but except for a brief run off to college and upstate NY, I have spent the entirety of my life in this fishing village. So I claim native. Most everyone I encounter has just moved to town. They have been here for 3-years or less, sometimes they are passing through, sometimes they moved with a boyfriend/girlfriend, a band, a mistake, et cetera. In the end, they are here. But they haven't seen this city grow, change and develop, and secretly hate all of the transplants.

There ways to test Portland by knowledge of landmarks, institutions, and media:

You can ask for the cross-streets of the 3 locations of the locations of the 24-Hour Church of Elvis.
In the 80s on AM radio you couldn't escape on Quarterflash; what was the band originally named?
Where was Beeper City?
Did you ever get a Tom Peterson haircut?
Where was the Big Bang?
Who was Baloney Joe?
More important who was Mr. Bumpity? I was kind of terrified and enamored of this local fixture of Saturday mornings as a childhood. Still to this day, I don't know if he was a frog, or something else.

Tangential thinking aside: Kiteman was for everyone.

Protecting the children, the frogs, the power lines, the skies.

Portland isn't the best place to fly kites, or catch frogs...but it is a good place dress-up weird and have a mustache.

An open Letter to Mr. Geoff Johns

Dear Mr. Johns,
Thank you so much for writing some of my absolute favorite comic books of all time. I am a big fan of the Justice Society of America and of your work on the Flash.
I am eagerly awaiting the start of Blackest Night in the Green Lantern books and I had what I though would be a million dollar idea that only you would appreciate. So please take a minute, grab a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon (blue for Hope, right?) and hear me out.
So you have established that a war of light is going to occur. But where does that leave our color-themed villains that we all love and grew up with?
You know who I am talking about, geniuses of menace such as:

Rainbow Raider

Doctor Spectro

Crazy Quilt

Chroma

Well, Chroma had some other god-complex issues and technically was killed by Gog 2, Superman villain from the future who was a kid who survived Kansas being destroyed (no not the years of crappy albums, the state) when Imperiex drones tried to concur the planet), not the Gog 1 of Earth 22 Anti-Hero who made Superman realize he was kind of a wash-up and not "proactive" enough for today's villains; while Gog 3, Lance-Corporal-Something-Something-Great-Great Grandson of George Washington (not a son of slaves)-And some-how also a Roosevelt...

Oh and he claimed to be a god of not only color but Music...Kind of Rad!!! but only kind of.

Train-wreck of a sentence up there...wouldn't you agree?

So yes, Dr. Spectro is Dead. Rainbow Raider is Dead (And replaced by a team of Rainbow Raiders...a whole team needs to replace just one villain!)

As for Crazy Quilt, everyone made fun of him...Even villains like Monocle. Ouch.

The original one hasn't been seen for a while but a new woman has been dancing around in the Crazy Quilt role. But she recently had her butt handed to her by the Secret Six.

So here is the the pitch:

War of light...

Every hero is tied up. Villains are taking advantage of what is going on. But the Original Crazy Quilt notices his powers are in flux, just like all the rainbow rings out there. And his color-commies are coming back. First Chroma is resurrected via a Black Lantern Ring, then Spectro, then the Rainbow Raider. Since they all have color based powers, and all are in touch with the emotional spectrum, and music (and we all know how much some villains always hated music). These newly resurrected villains aren't fighting for the side of good, nor are they simple instruments of villainy as mapped out in the many issues of Blackest Night. 

They are unknown agents fighting...for something.

But as of right now, they are kind of zombies, but more than normal zombies because they have emotions...and colors. And that is really the problem with zombies today. Very little color.

Crazy Quilt calls is his female replacement for help, and also the Team of Rainbow Raiders. They need to figure out what is going on with the Original Rainbow, Spectro and Chroma.

And they attract the attention of two unlikely heroes. Donna Troy, who for some reason is back to being a Darkstar and G'nort who is no longer a Green Lantern, no longer a Darkstar, but has become a Yellow Lantern because every other lantern is ghastly if not morbidly afraid of what a pain in the ass he might be if they must share sectors.

With Darkstar Donna and G'nort on teamed with the Crazy Quilts and Rainbow Raiders, they begin to explore the mysteries of the emotional spectrum and try to take their fellow fallen villains to the center of all concerns. The Black Lantern.

When I think about this book...I think Neon...Crayola...Airbrush...Acid Washed Jeans...

All of those glorious things that we don't want to remember loving but love....Love a lot.

So Mr. Johns, please consider this.

Thank you,

Patrick

Support Local Reads

http://theneerdowell.com/

Having worked as a poetry editor for a literary magazine, I know how challenging it is to get one going.  So I want people to throw out their support for this in the Local Effort Category.

The Editors of this publication will be at the Portland Zine Symposium which is a wonderful chance to see what is happening in the small press world. And the sub-small-press world.

Very little to write at this time...

But remember...

Don't pee on the third rail...

After a while they all look the same...

While The March of the Prairie Dogs might have been a funny little narrative, some pictures of taxidermy are just plain funny.

BEAVER!!!

BEAR!!!

RHINO!!!

And finally a morality tale.

This the is the story of "Red" the Pheasant. A lovely photograph of a photograph illustrates Red following a letter carrier just outside of Missoula, Montana. 

The caption on the picture reads:

"Red" the Pheasant

 During the Winter of 2001-2002, Red followed letter carrier

Carolyn Jones daily along her Patee Canyon route

Here is Red sometime after that picture was taken.

Pheasant under glass...well, plexiglas. I think this is one of the reasons I love Montana.

The Body is a Marvelous Plastic Machine

Consider this a prequel. (And apologies for the potty humor)
To what? You might ask. A reasonable question. One that is quite sensible in this time of Internet hype and scams. Well, the way I see it, the Ünternet was created to spread knowledge. And well, since I am preparing to be an expert in all things medically inclined I should share the wealth of the wisdom that I have gained.
The plan is to present a series of short essays called, "Medicine for times of Economic Collapse." We all know how expense medical care is, so why not find some way to do some good old DIY health care? 

Caveat 1:My first voyages into the vast ocean of medical wisdom has guided with the sextant of medical text books written before 1950. Many were written before 1920, and thusly dwell obsolescence.

Caveat 2:These posts are made with tongue placed firmly in cheek. Let me repeat that: TONGUE IN CHEEK. 

So very quick lesson on simple anatomy:
This is your head when cut in half:

This is your Digestive Tract...On a white board with a free floating Liver of DOOOOM!

Remember, when food goes in, it must come out...from this place.

And these are your lungs. This is where gas exchange occurs. Which is different from the the gas exchange that might occur in the above pictures.

So this will conclude today's lesson of anatomy. Future more in depth essays for Medicine For Time of Economic Collapse will include:

• The Poor Man's Pharmacy
• Surgery Fun!
• Who Needs a Dental School? 
• Whiskey Will Kill That Infection.
• Spot the Gangrene
• Separating Your Conjoined Twin is Easier than a Divorce...And Cheaper Too!

An Open Letter to Mr. Grant Morrison

Dear Mr. Morrison,

I have loved your recent run on the Batman comic books and your Final Crisis comic series for DC. I am eagerly awaiting your new upcoming series stories for Batman & Robin.

Recently I was at my neighborhood bar and they were playing The Smiths. And after I spent a great deal of time mocking the band and the singer Morrissey I made the grandest realization that I wanted to share with you.

A little caveat first; whenever I hear Morrissey's voice, I see Muppets.  I don't physically see furry felt-covered puppets, as the child in The Sixth Sense saw "dead people" every where. They just kind of, well, pop, into my mind. And believe me, popping is the only way a Muppet can move. Maybe it is Mr. Morrissey's falsetto? Maybe it is the way his hair seems to stand up perfectly straight like the bristles on the shell of an agitated urchin. But I hear something that just isn't quite natural.

That being said, we can move on to the revelation of the century.

Using the song titles of singles released by the Smiths, a writer for Batman such as yourself, will never lack a story idea again. Or, if anything they will never lack a title for their next collection.

This is just from The Smith's "Singles" compilation that came out a while ago. Of course the italics are just my notes on how obvious the connection would be for a writer like you to make this work. Think of these little notes as ways to make a better Batman story.

1.Hand in Glove-- Well Duh...The past three years of your writing???

2. This Charming Man-- Maybe a piece on Dr. Hurt? Bruce Wayne? Alfred?

3. What Difference Does It Make?--Batman has one final crisis of faith in what he is doing before facing the evils of the world. 

4. Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now-- This can be a story all Batman RIP, a whole Robin Dies at Dawn expose.

5. William, It Was Really Nothing--I see this as the start of a simple detective story

6. How Soon Is Now?--Second part featuring the stakeout

7. Shakespeare's Sister--Harley Quinn appears at the crime scene complicating matters

8. That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore--And of course the Joker makes his appearance.

9. The Boy With the Thorn in His Side--But if Harley Quinn is there, Poison Ivy there.

10. Bigmouth Strikes Again-- Umm...I don't know...make this one of your drug induced stories.

11. Panic--Batman is missing, OH CRAP!!!

12. Ask--Use the Question, but please don't make her part of some revamped Global Peace Agency.

13. Shoplifters of the World Unite--writes itself

14. Sheila Take a Bow--Does anyone know of a Batman character named Sheila?

15. Girlfriend in a Coma--Bruce Wayne has so many flings...pick one.

16. I Started Something I Couldn't Finish--Batman Meets the Wildstorm Universe

17. Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me--Superman, Wonder Woman, and the remaining members of the JLA have a private vigil for Batman.

18. There Is a Light That Never Goes Out--And this one is Solid Gold! Batman and Anthro sit by the fire last seen at the end of Final Crisis. Though pantomime Batman shares his legend and Anthro shares his. They paint on walls and wrestle a cave bear.

Of course there are so many more Smiths and Morrissey songs out there. "Meat is Murder," could be a feature on the serial killer Meat who really hasn't had much page time since Joker's Last Laugh. "The Last of the Famous International Playboys," is a perfect title for a comic about Bruce Wayne. "The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get," could be a mob story, a crime noir story, or just something damned creepy.

So Mr. Morrison, please thing about these titles.

And know that I would like to have some autographed copies of your work for these glorious ideas.

Thank you,

Patrick,

Wonderful World of Clutter.

Free Comic Book Day: May 2nd!!!

Tomorrow is one of those fine literary moments when people get to act like they are ten-years-
old once again.

Free Comic Book day is a wonderful tradition. The concept is simple, you go to a local you local comic book shop, and you get to pick out a free comic book (or a couple, possibly) from a selection released by a number of publishers.

There are all-ages reads. One year I was introduced to Owly, by Andy Runton. http://www.andyrunton.com/word/wordpress/2009/owly-says-read/

There are standard superhero fair from Marvel and DC. And lots of stuff from smaller publishers as well.

If anything, it reminds me of my youth of going to Andy's House of Frank (I don't quite get the name), in Clackamas where Andy would cut my hair. For some reason he had a stack of old Darkhorse Comics and a few DC issues. I remember being introduced to Flaming Carrot and to Concrete at that point in time. And getting a high-top fade that I still regret to this day...


I will be visiting my favorite local comic book shop, Bridge City Comics http://www.bridgecitycomics.com/ where Michael, Kamarin, Lucas, Michael and Nate will be hosting the fun. They are a wonderful group of people.

Have a great weekend!