The Fauna of Montauna

There are lots of different animals in the state of Montana. We have elk, and bears, and bison. We have bobcats, cougars, and frat boys. And there are also people from Billings. But nothing seems to compare to the majestic fauna that can be observed just by walking within the city limits of Bozeman. Sure you'll see deer. Or perhaps you'll see a tourist from North Dakota, but some sights of nature from the wild kingdom are things of beauty. The following video montage is just small sampling of animal life I have encountered in my time in town. For example, a deer bounded in front of me while I hiked about three miles away from campus. Pretty cool. That isn't on this film. But other things are. So enjoy.

This Will Eat You...

Outside my apartment stands the lone sentinel of the robot army that will soon destroy our society. And yes, it is designed to eat children.

Some have told me, "You know, it's just a swing set." But I know better. And I hope to educate and warn any of my readers who might be coming to Bozeman that this hollow automaton will rise one night and devour all of the children on the playground. And then it will send signals to the evil robot mothership that is hovering somewhere around the other side of Venus, to signal the "Day of Reckoning" has begun.

If you thought the original Terminator was scary, then this is the REAL Skynet program. T-9000 doesn't have anything on the hollow eyes of this metal creation of pure evil.

I can't prove it right now, and I don't want to have to tell people, "I told you so!" But that gaping mouth can devour upwards of five babies at one time. Be forewarned. Oh, and be afraid.

Don't let the "Game-Time" name fool you. I fear for my life near this thing. 

Ride the Bronze Buffalo: But not with Walt

While normally I would climb on any piece of statuary available, climbing on this awkwardly creepy statue of Walt Whitman just seemed, well icky. I think it is his hollow cold copper eyes. So I can't really do much other than sick and feel kind of dirty next to America's second favorite gay poet.

Ride the Bronze Buffalo: Taming Spirit the MSU Bobcat

The wild beast sits in the plaza, much like a gargantuan mockery of a Maurice Sendak monster, waiting to pounce.

And pounce it does.  Striking me with its bronze paw of furry fury. For Spirit, as the Bozemanian people like to call him, does not want to be tamed.

But this Great Yellow Rider of Bronze Statuary, yes, that is how I shall now refer to myself, will not be laughed at. For I shall conquer this hollow metal beast.

And like other great bobcat whisperers, like, ummmm....Bobcat Goldthwait. No really, there aren't any others greater than him. Maybe, the guy who played the chainsaw in the band Jackyl (remember the lumberjack song?), but, that was it. 

Thus tamed, Spirit and I, headed for further adventures with my menagerie of bronze animals. When we meet those Ghost Riders in the Sky the radio keeps on singing about, we are sooooo going to kick their asses.

Musical Interludes

So Bozeman isn't all bad...If you're over 60. Why, because you can join a choral group and sing songs that everyone has forgotten. Or will soon forget with the onset of dementia. It's kind of a blessing in disguise.

I have no idea what this group of Septa, Octo, and Nonagenarians are called, but one sang with an oxygen tank by his side (seriously, I can't make this up). The group brought in their own mannequin pioneer woman for some unknown reason which sat propped up in a far corner of the cafe where I sat studying. And best of all was the detached stuffed horse head. The horse head would normally be found on a broomstick and be paraded by a kid wearing a paper cowboy hat, but removed from the stick, it looked as if a community theater troupe was going to re-enact scenes from "The Godfather." The severed horse head rested on the ground as the aged chorus sang a stirring rendition of "Ghost Riders in the Sky." 

And that is what goes on in this town. One might say it is awesome...Other's might say something to the contrary.

The Most Valuable Lesson of Nursing School...Thus Far

I will certainly learn a myriad of skill sets on the arduous path to becoming a registered nurse, but nothing has been more valuable than the lesson learned from reading the last sentence of the printed instructions to the TSE Model (Testicular Self Exam): "Caution: This Model is for educational purposes only; do not ingest."

So in case you didn't get that.  Do not eat the silicone model of balls. Why? Because somebody did it once before and makers of the "TSE Model" had to print the instructions warning people not to do it...again.

So there. Lesson Learned.

Video Transmission: Patrick Explains Bozeman...Sort of.

There has been a sore absence of posts from the Wonderful World of Clutter as of late and that is because Nursing School has been kicking my ass. However, in the wee hours of the night, I recorded a video transmission from my fake-wood paneled, uni-bomber, style shack with the sole friend I accompanying me during this time of educational struggle, Mr. Jackalope.

Yes, Mr. Jackalope has become my main source of conversation these days. We talk about many things. Sometimes we converse about the works of Proust, Fouccault, and Dr. Seuss. Other times we discuss the untimely demise of Macho Man Randy Savage, god rest his raspy voiced soul, and the fact he is probably in a tag-team match with the Junk Yard Dog in heaven right now. But most of all we talk about the weather. Why talk about the weather? Because Montana is flooding! Seriously!

Montana has had more snow than it has ever had in history, since like before the time mammoths and dinosaurs were playing grab ass. And now it's raining in the mountains and all the creeks, rivers, rivulets, and streams are blown out. The highways are the new spawning grounds for trout. And the fishermen are like, "Aws craps...I can't go out in this shit." Oh and the bears are pissed off too. Go Fig.

So if you have been wondering what I do when I am not spending my time studying or hunting mushrooms, I spend my time talking to a Jackalope. Nuff said.

Enjoy the video...